Building a Healthy Trust

In Part 1, we looked at what Trust is – a Belief, a Decision, and a Value – and how our expectation of perfectTrust can destroy our relationships and any chance we have of experiencing joy in our lives.

Remember that the Value of Trust, held at very deep unconscious levels, usually comes from a dysfunctional, perfectionist place of impossible-to-meet expectations. It seems reasonable, it sounds logical in our head, but it is a lie designed to keep us alone and safe – because in that twisted logic – the only safe place isalone.

This week, let’s talk about what healthy Trustlooks like and how it can work differently in your relationships when you stop punishing everyone for not being perfect and accept that we are all fragile, beautiful, fallible humans.

Here is the only Trust that you truly need: I Trust that I will be okay. 

Yup. That’s it. I Trust that, no matter what happens and no matter who does what, I will be okay.

Most of our fears and anxieties and rages are driven, at a very deep unconscious level, by a Belief that if anything goes wrong …

– follow the neurological groove of your choice down, down, down –

… we will die.

Weird, right?

I’ve worked with dozens of clients over the years and it always ends up in the same place: death. Why? Because that is how we are wired. We are wired for two things: procreation and staying alive.

Our ancient neurology is wired to keep us alive.

Which means that EVERY THREAT IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION at that very deep level. The only question our ancient brain asks is this: Will this kill me? Yes or No. There is no grey zone.Every threat can become a source of panic because our Unconscious Mind starts running worse case scenarios that end in death – our death.

So, we start here by affirming this basic Trust: I will be okay.

Beautiful soul, please, listen, listen, the person you most abuse and most dis-trust is always your Self. 

This isn’t about feeling guilty, ashamed, or to blame. This is about love, radical self-care, and LIBERATION from the hell of perfectionism and unconscious expectations.If you find yourself slipping into self-condemnation just STOP and take a breath. You are human. You do the best you can with the resources you have. You have been doing the best you could and now you can do it differently, if you decide that you want to.

Today, we’re talking about balancing our expectations and standards with grace. Grace that you can extend to yourself and to everyone around you for being divinely human and less than perfect. We’ll begin to release expectations as we become more and more aware of where we are holding ourselves and others in bondage instead of extending grace and living in real Trust.

And that’s the key to building a healthy Trust that lasts: having expectations balanced with grace.

You see, expectations are the unconscious and conscious beliefs we bring with us into every situation about HOW IT SHOULD BE.

(in fact, every time you hear yourself thinking ‘should’, you know that you’re dealing with an expectation)

Grace is the forgiveness and acceptance we extend when our expectations are confronted by the reality of HOW IT REALLY IS.

One of my favourite quotes is:

“No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.”*

And this is what it’s like when our expectations of HOW IT SHOULD BE meet up with the realities of HOW IT REALLY IS.

A healthy, strong Trust is resilient, which means that it adapts to HOW IT REALLY IS in accordance with your Values, Morals, Ethics, and Standards.

An unhealthy, fragile Trust is brittle, which means that it snaps and fractures in the face of HOW IT REALLY IS because of the contrast to the unconscious beliefs in HOW IT SHOULD BE.

Maturity in a relationship, as in the rest of our life, is learning to quickly identify EVERY. SINGLE. PLACE. where our expectations of HOW IT SHOULD BE are sabotaging our ability to have joy and peace in the moment of HOW IT REALLY IS.

As I like to say to my clients, Reality is Our Friend.

Reality is the way that it is. It is neutral. Our pain and suffering are caused by the stories we tell ourselves about reality and where reality does not match up with our unconscious expectations.

Now, what is important to realize here is that it doesn’t mean you don’t get to set standards. You ALWAYS have a say. You ALWAYS get to have boundaries.

Repeat after me:

Boundaries ARE healthy. Boundaries ARE necessary.

Boundaries ARE healthy. Boundaries ARE necessary.

Boundaries ARE healthy. Boundaries ARE necessary.

You get to create them. You get to set consequences if they are violated.

You get to do all that.

What we’re talking about in here is not letting your unconscious (unconscious meaning you don’t know you have them until they’ve got you by the throat and are choking the life out of your joy!)expectations run your life and ruin your life because you have a vision of HOW IT SHOULD BE running 24/7 and a little demon on your shoulder chirping at you every single time HOW IT SHOULD BE doesn’t match up with HOW IT REALLY IS.

Which is pretty much all the time.

I mean, really, do you need to feel betrayed when they forget to bring home the milk or the children aren’t cared for in exactly the way you think they should have been – the way YOU would have done it if you had been there.

Guess what, you weren’t. You are not the arbiter of the only right and true way to do things. It is okay if things are done differently. Different does not equal wrong, except in our Unconscious Mind where everything is life or death. (religions are famous for thinking like this and it’s super-annoying and dangerous, don’t be like that)

I used to freak out about anything differentuntil I read about a study done by Virginia Satir (a famous family therapist and one of the inspirations for NLP) several decades ago in which she studied how people do dishes.


Doing dishes.

Something that I have railed about more than once. Something that my dad took so seriously that no one else was allowed to load the dishwasher. Something that, once when my brother and his family were visiting, he felt his wife’s dishwashing method needed to be justified with ‘I measured it and this doesn’t use any more water than our way’. Because he assumed I’d be freaking out that it was being done differently – and different = wrong.

I come from a family that ALWAYS had one right way to do everything. In Myers-Briggs, I used to be the Judgiest of Judgers. In DISC I am the highest D I’ve met. Perfectionists? We are the perfect perfectionists! LOL!

I get what it’s like to NEED to be right and to see how everyone else is doing it wrong. I truly do.

I also know the pain and isolation and stress that it creates.

And I know that there is another way… maybe even hundreds of ways.

Because you know what Satir found in her research?

There were over 200 distinct and different ways to do the dishes.


Take a breath and think about that for a second.

There are hundreds of ways to do one simple task.

Are you really prepared to say that your way is the only way or even the right way?

Is it possible that different people do things differently because they are wired differently?

Resilient Trust, healthy Trust, takes this possibility into account.

It questions itself. It is self-reflective.

It is conscious. It is aware. It is awake. It is enlightened.

And it is full of grace.

If you’re looking to strengthen your relationships and maybe even start to re-build a healthy Trust, now that you know more about what it looks like, here’s what to do:

1) Start by accepting that your way is not the ONLY way. You may need to take a few deep breaths on this one. There are endless ways to accomplish our goals.

2) Then accept that you are human. And that they are human. And that thatmeans that you are both fallible. And in need of grace. And that’s okay.

3) Gently begin to examine every place your expectations are causing feelings of betrayal. Journal them. Unpack them. See how ancient they are and how you were programmed with them before you can remember.

4) Let go of all the old hurts and wounds you’ve been nursing as EVIDENCE that they are unworthy of Trust. (Time Line Therapy® Techniques are perfect for this.)

5) Most important, start extending grace to yourself for every time you have betrayed your own best interest. Then, and only then, will you be able to extend that grace and forgiveness to others.

6) Trust that you are Beloved. Trust that Good flows toward you. Trust that you will be okay, no matter what. This is the Trust that you need to have. That is real Trust. (Again, Time Line Therapy® Techniques are excellent for bringing in these new beliefs around Trust.)

7) Explore, decide, and implement a few standards and boundaries to protect your energy, your heart, your time, and your money.

7) Begin to enjoy the joy, peace, and laughter that happens when you’re not constantly waiting for the world to fall apart at the next betrayal.

Want to deal with this NOW, quickly and efficiently?